The other day I had a scheduled Skype chat with my friend, Asha Sitaram, who's living in the US. I love her dearly, but I was feeling kind of crappy and was not in the mood to chat. Quite frankly, I was not in the mood to do anything other than curl up in a ball in bed and watch a movie, let alone discuss my failure to accomplish most of my weekly goals, as we had planned. In the past few months we have become more structured with our weekly conversations by co-coaching each other. This means that we share progress on our previous week’s goals and set new goals for the upcoming week. We also discuss barriers and strategies for success, and celebrate accomplishments. I tried to put on a social smile, but I warned my friend that I had a dark cloud over my head that day. She announced that she was feeling kind of crappy herself and wanted to complete an “Icky analysis.” This is an ingenious strategy that she came up with and we developed together in an organic free-flowing way. It has become my new favorite thing in the world because we both went from feeling kind of crappy to feeling motivated and energized for the week ahead. So far I’ve been able to maintain that transformed momentum and am eager to share the simple, yet profound, process. 1.Vent List all of the reasons why you are feeling kind of crappy. This satisfies the need for venting, self-compassion, and honouring pain and struggle. Identifying, acknowledging, and giving ourselves permission to feel lousy is a great way to move through that mood. If you don't have someone that you trust with the dark parts of your soul or your foul mod, writing it all out in a journal would be useful too. My list had at least 15 items on it and involved tears of frustration as I opened up. 2. What can I do about it? Here’s where we get proactive. What are some things that would make you feel better or would prevent those things that lead you to feeling crappy from happening again? This is a process of taking ownership of your situation. My coach pointed out that a theme that tied together many of my frustrations was a need to anchor myself among so many moving and unknown parts of my life. 3. What can I do about it this week? This is where you start to narrow down your list by prioritizing what is most important and achievable this week. I chose to focus on getting back into a routine of going to bed and getting up at the same time every day and reestablishing my productive morning routine. 4. What will make that challenging? The most lofty goals can feel achievable before we set out to accomplish them, but we may quickly lose our motivation once we hit some road blocks. Looking at what kinds of potential barriers we’ll face, we can better prepare for the real work of gettin’ ‘er done. Two challenges that I foresee of getting up at 6am every morning are that (1) I keep turning my alarm off and going back to sleep, and (2) despite my best intentions, my social life sometimes keep me up past 10pm, in turn making it harder to get up in the morning! 5. What strategies will help me to succeed? Taking a couple of minutes to proactively troubleshoot any potential problems along the way or any assistance that can be implemented can help to set ourselves up for success. Some strategies that I identified were:
Similar to the process of compost being transformed into valuable and usable nutrients for plants to grow, that CRAPPY energy can be transformed into motivational energy to birth new direction.
Mindy Alexander
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I’m weary. I’ve been sick for 2 weeks now. It’s almost gone, this persistent cold, but just sticking around long enough to remind me that I’m only human. That sometimes I have to slow down and just be. That I can’t, and I shouldn’t, do it all.
There’s something in that feeling of weariness, though. In which a kind text message or a serendipitous event feels that much more magical. There are all these little gifts, and they seem that much sparklier when I’m feeling raw and weak. So what has moved me in recent days? I’m currently studying art therapy, and I was brought nearly to tears several times by the responses of my classmates to a presentation I did with a classmate that involved a Mary Oliver poem, as well as some movement exercises. I received text messages of love at just the right moments, cutting through the exhaustion and sadness I was feeling, reminding me of the beauty and love underlying all. A friend made me a beautiful, thoughtful gift. Another friend insisted I take home a shamrock plant that I had admired in her apartment. I spent some time with an art book and was able to see brand new things I’d never noticed before in those works of art...even though I’d already gone through this text many times before. My cat spent much of the week snuggled into a pillow fort I’d accidentally created on my bed. Cute!! I spent time with people who allowed themselves to be vulnerable with me, and I in turn opened up with them. A sweet old man, a stranger on the street, gave me a giant, radiant smile and said hello to me. Another stranger, a woman who had been in my yoga class, offered me a ride home, when she saw me walking away from the studio. So this is what I have energy for this week. No grand pronouncements or existential queries, just the noticing. Awareness of small moments of beauty, kindness, love, generosity. Not so small at all, in fact. Shaina Lehan There's a fabulous window display at a store in Ottawa called Images on Bank. In the display case on one side of the entrance are paintings and cards that denounce romance as being vicious, even going so far as to compare marriage to war. On the opposing display case are the typical cards and images one sees in the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day with cute little animals giving each other flowers and hearts. I am staunchly positioned on the cheesy, sappy side of the Valentine's Day fence. I fully get the arguments about stripping a man of his masculinity by predetermining how he is to behave and express his love on a certain day leading to a pony show as his woman shows of his romance the next day at work and compares his performance with those of her colleagues. I also get the heteronormative and gendered issues with that last sentence and most media representations of romance. I get the single-shaming too. I especially get the over-commercialized, over-priced cards, chocolate, and flowers. But when did Valentine's Day turn into that? Remember in elementary school where everyone in the class got a Valentine? Even that kid who picked his nose and put his boogers on the library books or the pencil he borrowed from you. Your heart was just so big that you couldn't bare the thought of anyone feeling left out on Valentine's day! That's the kind of love I want to celebrate on V-Day. Don't forget the Rom Com magic, if that's what you're into, but let's expand the kind of love worth celebrating! Expressing and celebrating love doesn't need a specific day. But how about last Tuesday? Did you tell your co-workers how awesome they were? Did you send a surprise card to your grandmother just because she rocks? Did you look any of your sweeties in the eyes and tell them just how grateful you are to have them in your life? If not, this coming Wednesday happens to be a reminder for us all to tap into our most loving selves and spread that ooey-gooey goodness. Here are three ideas to spark your flames of passion that are healthy (you don't need sugar to be sweet), inexpensive, and super awesome: 1. Tell someone in your life what you admire about them and the ways they enrich your life. Why are you grateful for their presence? For extra cheese mail them your thoughts or look them deeply in the eyes as your share. 2. Go for a walk with a special someone that highlights meaningful places you've been before: like through that special park or that spot where you first met. Maybe the grocery store because you appreciate that your mom buys you groceries! 3. Write yourself a love letter and pop it in the mail. Out of sight and out of mind, them Bam! a whole lotta love right in your mailbox. 4. Volunteer at an organization that you feel passionate about. Animal care, women's shelter, food bank? Not only will these activities make the recipients feel awesome, but research shows that expressing our gratitude and appreciation for other people, along with doing something kind for someone else, increase our own levels of happiness. Mindy Alexander My kitty Oscar is none too impressed with winter, either.
Imbolc, the Celtic celebration of the halfway point between winter solstice and the spring equinox, has recently passed. However, those of us in chilly Ontario are all too aware that we still have quite a bit of winter left. The days are still relatively short, the streets icy and dangerous, the mood at times melancholy. I know a lot of folks who have been finding winter this year especially challenging, especially in terms of their emotional state. Warmth can feel elusive. Some distance themselves from others, hibernating in their caves. Those who stay busy and active might still meet moments of stillness and find strangeness and loneliness within them. Yeah, that would be me. I want to offer up a few things that have been brightening up my days recently, soothing my winter weary soul. If you know me well, you're aware of the fact that there's nothing I love better than sharing a few recommendations with anyone who will lend me their ear. The 'Soul Music' podcast is a favourite of mine, and this particular episode was very moving. The series focuses on famous popular songs and then shares the stories of everyday folks who've had deep connections with those tunes. This one is about Boys Don't Cry by The Cure. I bought this book 2 days ago and I've already read it 3 times (it's a quick read). The title says it all: "Your Illustrated Guide to Becoming One with the Universe". Beyond beautiful. This artist's fanciful works in gouache. This album. Trust me. I love you very much, and hope these recommendations might thaw the frost a little for you also. Shaina Lehan A childhood friend explained to me that when two people are chatting over tea, like we were, their spirits intermingle and connecting. I've used this imagery to explain my empathic tendencies, where I take on other people's emotions and why I am very selective of who I want touching me and how. If our spirits are already connecting while just sitting and talking, think of what's going on when we're making out or making love.
When I'm with people, say on a date or in an interview, I intentionally check in with how my body is feeling. Martha Beck, author of the Finding your own North Star: Claiming the life you were meant to live, suggests that our bodies are a magnificent source of wisdom. Falling ill, feeling tense, and accidentally blurting out things, are all ways that our body tries to guide us away from what will make our "essential selves" (the authentic part of ourselves that is unconcerned with what our parents, the Joneses, or society at large have to say) happy. On the flip side, feeling energized, relaxed, and finding ourselves being socially graceful are ways that our body can let us know that we are on the right path to satisfying our essential selves. Several years ago I interviewed with two organizations. One interview was clearly a better job in terms of scope of responsibility, pay, and prestige. And yet, I didn't feel great with the woman who would be my manager. I felt tense and on guard. By contrast, I felt open and comfortable in the other interview at the smaller organization. As it turned out, the larger organization had funding cuts and the position I was hiring for no longer existed. Meanwhile, my manager at the smaller organization, where I felt more comfortable, ended up being the best manager I've ever worked with. I do the same thing on dates. Recently I was sitting across from a man who clearly checked a lot of my boxes. He was handsome, had strong environmental ideals, and even spoke about his meditative practice. And yet, when I checked in with myself, I felt uneasy and tense. I felt like the words, which sounded great, were not quite genuine. By comparison, on another date, I checked in with myself part way through and I immediately thought how much I was enjoying how our spirits were dancing with each other. I felt calm, warm, and excited to learn more about this person. Of course there are complicating factors, such as our limiting beliefs, medical/mental health conditions, racial bias, and past experiences. That having been said, our bodies hold a great deal of wisdom that are worth taking into consideration when charting our life’s path, be it new jobs or new relationship. I am a body. Sometimes I forget. I forget to breathe. I forget to dance. I don’t notice the tingling in my toes and my finger pads. Nor do I even feel the tightness at my temples. I’m far too busy Pondering what it is I should be doing, Beating myself up over all that I’m not. Congratulating myself on how I’ve filled all the gaps with Busy. So busy. Sometimes I’m too aware of my body. It’s not right. It’s squishy. It’s too much. Sometimes I fret that both my energy and my physical body are TOO MUCH. So I take myself to the yoga studio. Integration becomes my reality again. My body, spirit, mind unite. Sometimes I hit the dance floor Where I just about defy the laws of gravity. And I have, and I am, and I love: my body. I’m not too much. I’m just right. It’s been fourteen days away from the worlds of IG and FB. I needed a breather. And then, actually, the loss of that stimuli is helping me to remember. The breath. The body it nourishes. Is this body just a meat suit, something I can inhabit during this particular incarnation? Maybe. Maybe not. But for this brief time, I fully intend to enjoy the gift of this flesh. What a gift. Remembering my body helps me recall. Why I’m here at all. Here's a match made in YouTube heaven. Remember that vogueing kid from a few years back? You can find his sweet dance moves here combined with Grimes' musical exploration of embodied experience. Apparently the song, Be a Body, was inspired by the Japanese concept of wabi sabi, which is about seeing the beauty of impermanence and imperfection. -Shaina Lehan I have a drawing in my room that I made several years ago. It is a simple black and white drawing of a house with a garden surrounded by trees. Below the ground line, the roots of the trees and the vegetables of the garden can be seen. Beneath the house are seven red hearts, providing the only colour in the drawing. I have this image hanging in my room on top of my desk and across from my bed. Sometimes I sit on my bed or at my desk and I gaze at this drawing with longing. This is my heart's desire: to have a home rooted in love, belonging, and security. I drew this image while married and living in the basement of my in-laws’ home. As a young adult, I married within six months of leaving the house in which I grew up. For better or worse my husband's home became my anchor. Some of my fondest memories are of snuggling together with our dogs on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Some of my most terrifying memories were also born in that home, as domestic abuse, by its very nature, grows at home. Since leaving that space three years ago, I have lived in five houses in three cities, bouncing from proverbial couch to couch, accommodating myself around other people's household rules, furniture, and home culture. I am currently living in my childhood home with my mother. Memories of friction and loss are resurfacing as I spend time in the same rooms that my younger self inhabited. The dream of a home of my own lives on. I know that I share this dream with many others who are dreaming of their own space, or of improving the space they have: expanding a bathroom, updating a kitchen, moving from a condo to a detached home, etc. There are plenty of home magazines and shows that perpetuate our dissatisfaction with our living conditions and to help us forget how lucky any of us are to have four stable walls and a roof. One of these home magazines caught my eye while I was standing at the checkout of a grocery store. I was instantly reminded that I don't like buying things, and, despite my interest in visual art, I am not a fan of decorating. All of the decisions of what piece of furniture to put where seemed exhausting. So why, I asked myself, was I so caught up in wanting my own house? It dawned on me that it's clearly not about the physical structure. It's about the feelings of love, belonging, and security that I imagined would fill the house. It’s about the red hearts at the bottom of the house in my drawing. The house itself is actually irrelevant. It’s simply a symbol of those feelings. Feelings which can only be experienced in my body. As I walked across a slushy intersection, groceries in hand, I paid attention to by body. I noticed that after having exercised that morning I felt strong and relaxed. I felt love and appreciation for my legs that were walking me home and my muscles that were slightly achy from carrying my food. I felt a touch of grumbling in my belly and I felt safe knowing that I had nourishing food in hand to satiate my hunger shortly. My feet were warm and dry because my boots were protected my from the slush and my hood was protecting me from the falling snow. I already had everything I needed. I was already at home. I was at home and complete in my body. While I don’t always feel safe, loved, or a sense of belonging in my body, striving to find a sense of completeness, internally and in this very moment, is bringing me a surprising amount of peace. - Mindy Alexander Mindy finished the last blog post by including the lyrics to a favourite song of hers, and I will start this week's with some words from a song dear to my heart, “This must be the place” by The Talking Heads:
Home, is where I want to be But I guess I'm already there I come home, she lifted up her wings I guess that this must be the place ******** I’m sitting at my favourite coffee shop, which I like to call my “office’, because I tend to much of my school and job related work there. I’m eavesdropping on a conversation: two young gentlemen chatting about new year’s resolution. They're trying to find balance, cut things out, be more productive. And I love New Year’s resolutions. I’m into goal setting. The way we’ve delineated how we measure time is arbitrary, sure, but we need the New Year, don’t we? The promise of fresh starts. Change. Making commitments. My gemini nature LOVES change. I dig stimulation, activity, novelty, trying new things. I don’t fight my nature, mostly. However, as Mindy mused about in the previous blog post, it’s so essential for us to continually come back to presence, to move away from our constant desire for external things. What good are all these fresh experiences if I’m not present within them? How do I discern between that which I do need to change or shift, and then realizing what’s fine just as it is? So. If we come back to breath, presence, to the moment (which is all we ever really have), then: what are the questions that our hearts ask? Sit down. Put your hand on your heart. Feel your breath. You are here. In this moment. What questions come to you, what longings? Might they be linked to our communal and eternal desire for wholeness and connection? What does connection look like to you? How can you connect more deeply with yourself? How can you remember that you are, so very much, enough? You always have been, and you always will be. How can that connection be fostered with those around you? How can a stranger become a friend, in just moments? How can you have moments, connected moments, with the person who makes a coffee for you? With your neighbour, the one you’d really like to get to know, but you feel a little shy around? How about that co-worker who aggravates you? How can you you show them you understand that life is painful at times, and perhaps particularly difficult for them, but that we’re all in this together? And what, in those encounters, are you learning about yourself and the universe? I say you, but of course I mean we. Ram Dass says: "We’re all just walking each other home”. When I’m having one of those days in which I feel as if nothing makes sense, and my heart hurts, I try to return to that idea. How can I nurture that feeling of ‘home’ within myself? How can I take it out into the world? Home is where the heart is. I was sitting around with family over the holidays and my uncle asked how my sabbatical of self-discovery is going.
"Weeeeeellllll...." I started, as I averted my eyes from everyone's gaze. "I recently read a book that says wisdom can't adequately be articulated. It often sounds silly to other people." After everyone's jokes subsided about how I am really smart even though I was about to sound stupid, I shared one of my subtle but profound shifts of perspective. I've been really struggling with the unknown recently. I'm in the process of doing some soul searching to figure out my next steps. Almost every aspect of my life is a murky question mark: I've just moved, I'm single, and in the process of a career change. I am a pro at dealing with difficult situations: throw rejection or an emergency my way, and I can manage just fine. If something horrible is coming in the future, that's fine, I can handle it, but it would just be nice to know. Dealing with the unknown and uncertainty of what's to come is really hard for me to manage because there is nothing to do and no way to prepare. Recently, though, I've had a shift in how I approach all of the questions I don't have answers to yet, like what is my life's purpose? I've realized that I don't need to know in this moment; I simply need to be. My goal during my meditation is no longer to tap into my intuition to have answers revealed, which has been super useful for me in the past. Right now, I'm not receiving clear answers and I'm struggling with that lack of clarity. So instead, my goal is simply to be. To be aware of my existence. To accept confusion. To sit with the unknown. This has been a huge weight off my shoulders because there is no way to fail! I am always successful at being. Granted, I'm not always successful at being aware that I am being, but everytime I realize that, I have once again become successful. As I shared my inner journey with my family, I saw them noding their heads in agreement. When I was done, they shared the unknowns that they are struggling with: retiring, starting a private practice, looking for work, fighting a traffic ticket... Life has always involved the unknown, but we live in a time of unprecedented change. Some exciting, some filled with hope, and some terrifying. Who knows what the future will hold; we will deal with it when the time comes. In the meantime one of my new years resolutions is to be (rather than do or know) more. As the Beatles classic that is top of my current playlist goes "there will be an answer, let it be, let it be." ,One of my best friends was in town from California. We have known each other since Grade 2 and have been soul-sisters since about Grade 7. When we get together as adults we often revert back to our younger selves with antics of giggling and dancing in unusual (read "awesome") ways. During this visit she had a grand idea of going on an epic adventure. We were going to travel to Montreal for sight-seeing and dancing the night away. Or, we figured we could go to an ashram, about four hours away, for a potluck, beautiful natural scenery, and soulful meditation. We decided we would play it by ear and listen to our hearts the day of our grand adventure. I was packed for a hippy-style slumber party or a city-slicking dance party. The day arrives and we start out parked in the parking lot our local park as we connect with our hearts' true desires for the day. We have a soulful heart-to-heart about how we are each so lucky to have such a good friend where we can bring all aspects of who we are to each other in a safe space. To the amusement of her parents, we decide to officially start our journey in her parents' backyard to visit with my friend's favorite tree, Hubert. We made lattes and steamed cashew milk, bundled in blankets, and enjoyed the calm and comfort of good company and the natural environment. We watched Hubert's branches swaying in the wind, we watched the clouds float by, and we felt the earth beneath our blankets. Once we got too cold and hungry, we decided to get food from a restaurant, a 2 minute drive away, and snuggle up at her parents' house to watch a movie on Netflix. We did end up going out for dinner downtown (20 minute drive) and danced the night away at some local nightclubs, but the majority of our day was spent within a 1 km radius.
As we were lying outside in her backyard, every part of myself felt fully content. I thought to myself that this is what it's all about. This is the heart of sustainable happiness. Sure it's exciting to go on adventures that involve travelling great distances in cars and planes to see things we've never seen before. But, it's also incredible to see things in our own backyards in new ways. My friend and I built new memories while also saving some gas and CO2 emissions. Those of us with youngsters, teachers, or other school staff in our lives know that March break is upon us. What local grand adventures in your own proverbial backyard can you find that may be just as fulfilling as travelling far and wind? Mindy Alexander |
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February 2019
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